fall 2009

October marks a dark month for me. In many ways I've felt set back by what occurred. My blogs, projects, and work have undoubtedly taken a toll. But as the Spring rolls in I'm realizing that I'm in transition into what may be one of the most substantial growths of my life thus far.

This is dedicated to a close friend: Travis Tankersly. Though few people will understand the extent of our connection nothing can replace those 10 years. I'm truly grateful for the time we had.

This month my heart froze as the other, the one who felt its beats took his life in smoke filled force. Boom. Feeling my bones then and now. I loved him as I’ve loved all my friends. The real friends. The ones who know exactly how to make you smile and offer protection, council, safety in space. “Its all gonna be ok good buddy.” I hear him in my mind. Often. His calm grounded spirit speaks to me in moments of silence. When I’m not sure what to do or how to feel. I feel his love. Still. Like a blanket.

We shared many nights in arms embracing. Friends not lovers. I know his body, his smell, his breaths. His thoughts and concerns in a way that I’ve had with no other. He was my protector and I was his. Where as we lived in different worlds we connected in words and spirit. The memories are many and I only wish he’d shared his nature with more. Never unkind, always witty. Loved by many. He was an artist, a musician and philosopher.

In my pain I've not been present. There is a hardening wall blocking love and viscous tongue replacing openness. Its been a struggle to connect. But I know its fleeting. Obstacles birth strength. I will overcome this not only for myself but for everything and everyone I love.

All those years of telling people: 1-Life is what you make it. 2-Your perception is your own reality. 3- Love yourself. Has been very hard to hear in this moment. They seem like lofty ideas created by bright-eyed optimists who’ve never had to experience any real pain or horror. These people, once my people. I have avoided in my sorrow.

But there is something about each of those phrases that wouldn’t let me release them as fallacies. The persistence of these words reminds me that I’m moving into a new space. A place of conviction in my belief: You alone are responsible for your life, body and mind. Treat each day as its your first.

All we have is the present moment and the past that guides us there.